Accepting Thyself

Alas, it is time for self reflection. Albeit after living for 19 years, I have never gotten used to this, what i thought was -forsaken shell- aka body. I was never normal, born with microtia 3rd grade. I wonder how many of my friends knew, how many accept, how many deny. Like I've said, im pretty sure the majority of my closer friends knew, but have never mentioned about it, though they accept me as I am. However, up till now I could not really have the courage to accept myself, mindful of my physical disability. I am, afterall, perfectly human with needs, emotions and desires like any other.
Then, some point a few days ago, I suddenly realised my folly. All these while I have been rejecting myself, like many, accursing a part of us, hoping that we could play God and desire a better self( hence the proliferation of the cosmetic surgery industry). In actual fact, we're all questioning God's ability to create all of us in GOOD WORKS and perfection to HIS plan. We're all made for a purpose, or so I thought. So, when we doubt ourselves, we doubt God. We lose trust in Him. Hence, all my struggles with myself was actually with Him.. no wonder, I've always felt something was lacking, or wrong. Right now, Im trying to put my special gifts to His Will, but then again, what is His Will? Truthfully, I still lack the true courage to accept myself, and I find myself ignoring myself and other people. Is that what things are supposed to be? Certainly, the answer is "NO" but I need time, courage and support. I want to stop doubting God, in both His Strength and Grace, and Will of course.
Anyway, there hasn't been much things happening, except for many thoughts brewing and swirling in my mind. Nevertheless, A level results in 2 weeks!!! Curse myself if i shall fail and fulfill my nightmare( had a A B D or something in it!). And I hope it may be God's Will that my desire to become doctor as well. Let me pray that extreme slacking during my jc years wouldn't pay off during A levels, and that I could enter NUS.
Aye, I very much want to go serve in overseas mission trips. Reflecting at the recent tsunami incident, I desired to go and help those people almost dying and in pain, but I am uncapable. Also, in deprived countries lacking medical facilities, many people are needlessly dying. I want to be there too, but again, I am lacking. That is why I want to study, I want to go. Let's just hope it's is not too late, to let a moment( or 2 years) of folly foil my future plans. Arg.